Where is Yash Chopra?

Shwaas is India's entry to the Oscars this year. But can it win?

The answer lies not in whether the movie is good or bad (several bad movies have won Oscars), but whether it can raise enough money to get noticed. Initially, the major hindrance was getting money to include sub-titles. The next hurdle is getting people to watch the movie, which is done through FYC (For Your Consideration) ads in American newspapers and magazines. And for that they need money. Lots of it.

So while Bal Thackeray, Amitabh Bachchan and Sunil Dutt, among others have donated money for the campaign, where are those film industry wallahs who make money by the truckloads? Yash Chopra, Karan Johar, Bharat Shah, and the other bigshot producers?

Just because it's not "their kinda" film, perhaps they've decided to ignore it.
I tell them- get a grip, Messrs. Producers. Because movies like DDLJ (much as I loved it) and Aitraaz (even though it's a surprise hit) will never make it to the Oscars.

No wonder IFFI was flooded with bad movies like Alexander and Vanity Fair.

Is that good or bad?

It's that time of the year again. When people begin to decide what they liked the most- with respect to movies, music, books, parties etc. The Guardian has put up a poll on the Best Films of 2004. No surprises on the shortlist. And then I clicked on a link which took me to a poll of the Worst Films of 2004.

Believe it or not, there are a couple of films present on both lists. Those films are: Fahrenheit 9/11 and Lost in Translation.

I thought the Americans were a confused lot. Perhaps the Britons are confused as well.

The Real Terrorist

Warren Anderson is responsible for the deaths of thousands of people. Yet he remains a free man.

I was just a month old when Bhopal lost its soul and people. But after reading It was Five Past Midnight in Bhopal I could almost see it happening.

Twenty years hence, people are still sufferig from the after-effects. Justice, anyone?

Even I want one!

I want my own TV, PC and telephone. So does almost everyone else. So one enterprising and intelligent Indian at a US university (where else?) has come up with the concept of a PCtvt. That's a PC, TV and telephone all-in-one! The chap has aimed it at the poor people of rural India, but hey, I wouldn't mind owning a PCtvt.

Here's the dope. But in the (true) nature of BBC, the first paragraph is condescending.

Real Awards

Award for most Religious TV serial: Kasauti Zindagi Kay (Mom counted at least five aartis/poojas in less than 10 episodes.

Award for Best Movie (Drama): Uma's Suspension (starring Uma Bharti, LK Advani, with Atal Behari Vajpayee in a supporting role)

Award for Best Dialogue: Kanchi Shankaracharya (for "Am I Veerappan?")

Award for Best Action: BCCI-Clive Lloyd-ICC (over Sourav Ganguly's two-match ban)

Award for Best PR campaign: 'Bad Pitch in Mumbai'

Award for Unoriginality: India's Best- Cinestars ki Khoj, Indian Idol, and all the other 'talent' hunts in the country right now

Award for Best Idea: Newly-married guy selling his wife for a night in a game of cards (nope, not Mahabharata, but one of the K-serials)

Award for Most Popular Event on TV: Reincarnation

Award for Idiot of the Year: We all know who...

Volte Face

There was a time, not too long ago, when Zaheera Shaikh was the star of the news channels. And Sourav Ganguly was every cricket fan's favourite cricketer or captain. Well, things changed. A lot. Was it the people who changed? Or was it their circumstances? Or were they always like this, and we never noticed?

No More Parking

I had to meet the Editor of Education Times at the Times of India building at VT (or CST, as the Sainiks like to call it). I left home at 2.30 pm, so I'd be there by 3 pm (twenty minutes to reach the area, ten minutes to park, and walk it up to VT). I didn't find any parking. Not at Crawford Market, not at Xavier's College, not at Metro. So I took the option I'd never thought I'd go for.

I parked at Churchgate, and had to leave my keys with the guy there. So, instead of taking the amount written on the pay-and-park slip, he said he'd take Rs. 20 for two hours. I had to agree. I then took a taxi till VT.

So total amount spent: Rs. 20 (for parking) + Rs. 50 for taxi (Rs. 25 each way)= Rs. 70. Of course I haven't taken into account the petrol (which is way too expensive these days).

So while waiting at the Times office, my hair entangled, my shirt soaked with perspiration (luckily my Burberry deo was still working), I decided- I'm never going to get the car to VT or any office area again.

And that's when it struck me- the perfect solution to the mad traffic in Mumbai. Abolish all parking lots. Only private ones in building, hotels and hospitals should be allowed.

Radical, but might just work. ;-)

PS- The blog writer was not in her right mind when she wrote the above post. The poor girl is still suffering from the trauma of not finding parking for 45 minutes. The above post is, therefore, not to be taken literally. Thank you for your co-operation.

Girls versus Boys

When my cousin R walked in last evening, the first thing my maternal grandmother asked him was, "How's your baby boy?"

A pretty normal greeting, but get this- my cousin doesn't have a kid yet. His wife is just two months pregnant. And he doesn't know the sex of his child.

When I went travelling earlier this month, my grandmother gave me strict instructions- Get only blue clothes for R's unborn kid.

Every time someone in the family is pregnant, my grandmother talks about the unborn child being a boy. Almost like nothing else but a boy will do. And when a girl does come, she just shrugs. Like it is no big deal. And then she tells the new mother, "So what? Your next child will be a boy." Which means that unless you don't have a son, your life is not complete.

I don't know what irritates me more- the belief that talking of a boy and buying blue clothes will ensure a boy is born, or the overt preference for a boy. I think the latter is more hypocritical, because it is the samegrandmother who declares occassionally, "There's no difference between girls and boys."

If my grandmother really believes that there is no difference between girls and boys, why does she keeping talking about a boy?

Just last week, a dozen of us sat at the dining table, and the conversation veered to the "missing" baby girls in both urban and rural areas of North India. We agreed that it was a shame that girls were being killed mercilessly in Punjab and Haryana just because they were girls.

"Very sad," someone said.

We all nodded solmenly.

It was easy for us to say that, the stand we took seemed almost "natural".

But what was the point of discussing female foeticide? My grandmother's statements prove that she is inherently biased towards boys. So, here we are, in a modern, urban environment, criticising people who kill baby girls (born and unborn), and then we do nothing as our Head of Family displays her preference.

How can we expect the rural population to change their outlook, when we, the educated ones, are not able to shed our bias?

I tried to confront my grandmother yesterday on this issue.

"You think asking R about his baby boy and buying blue clothes will ensure that the child is a boy? What if it's a girl?"

"It will be a BOY," she said.

And that was that.

Dying for Love (Almost)

How far can the youth go to prove their love for their boy/girlfriend? A few months ago, a young girl plunged into a pool before Channel [V] TV cameras, her boyfriend and mother watching admirably. The girl couldn't swim. So why did she jump? To prove she could do anything for her boyfriend. The naive boyfriend just looked on, too dazed to tell her, "You don't need to risk your life for me, you silly girl."

And today, on MTV's Love ke liye another young girl stood before a bed of burning coals, with a crowd gathered around her. It was an agnipareeksha- a true test of love. For more than an hour, she stood at the edge of the coal bed. Several times she put her foot in, then quickly pulled it back, too scared to go further. But this time, the boyfriend finally told her she didn't need to do such a thing for him. He then doffed his shoes and socks, and walked through the hotbed himself.

The girl shed copious tears before her boyfriend came to her rescue. Why? Because she couldn't walk on the hot bed, and therefore she couldn't prove her love for the guy. Umm.... are we going backward or forward in time?

Once upon a time, a person needed to prove his/her love was to arange for a romantic meal, or to buy a diamond or some other obscenely expensive gift. Now people have to risk their lives to prove their love? All these trends have no doubt been promoted by the media. The diamond ads on air make a man feel he can't keep his wife happy until he buys her a diamond. And the current programmes on these only-for-name music channels are supposedly very popular among the youth.

If NGOs can protest against a Pepsi commercial which purportedly promotes child labour, can't they protest against programmes which overtly promote self-torture, bordering on suicide?

Nonsensical Ads

Designer Tommy Hilfiger has finally hit Mumbai. And guess what the hoarding ad at Marine Drive depicts? People dressed in warm, winter clothes. If it was Delhi, it would have been the most obvious choice for an ad this season. But in Mumbai?


And the new Star ONE ads with people having switches on their foreheads are extremely juvenile.


I know copywriting and creative team guys are under lot of pressure, and have extremely tough deadlines. Creativity does not flow easily. But this is lower than the pits.

Some More Outsourcing

Before British journalists could even figure out what Reuters was planning to do, they were informed that the world's best-known news agency is shifting its some of its journalism services to Bangalore.

Now, now, John O' Farrell has informed The Guardian readers about this, and he is one of the best topical comedy writers they have. To believe or not to believe?

Tabloids of the Time

India's most famous broadsheet daily (and presumably the one with the largest circulation) was already showing signs of becoming a tabloid, but today's headline confirmed it finally.


The headline screams out that Sourav Ganguly called the new BCCI President Ranvir Singh Mahendra a "shame" to Indian cricket. On reading the report, you realise he made that statement years ago.


Sure, it's a wonderfully and delightfully ironical situation for the Indian captain, according to the scandal-loving press. And it provides great trivia to the readers. But is it important enough to be the most important news story of the day?


And NDTV devoted the entire second part of its headlines summary to the BCCI circket controversy. (The headline summary is the text which appears on the red background every half-hour). Sure, cricket's a religion, some journalists believe, but again- important enough to neglect other news stories?

Time Management

When exams approach, time becones a big problem. There's too little of it, and too much to do. And suddenly I am motivated to study, and almost equally suddenly the enthusiasm disappears after a few hours of vigorous studying.

I'm typing this post- this is good enough evidence to prove how bored I really am.
Can't the head honchos at the University make our syllabus a bit more interesting?

Battle of the Broadcasters

The ESPN-Zee-BCCI conflict is turning into an exciting affair. Rather like a one-day match which was progressing in a rather dull manner, till a gutsy player started hitting every delivery for six runs, not bothering that he is taking a very big risk.


ESPN seems to be this courageous player. Why else would it not accept that it has lost the contract?


I don't know who is right or wrong, and I don't think anyone will ever know. Because newspapers and TV channels will never report what exactly happened behind closed doors.


But I do know that if Zee wins the broadcast rights, we're in for some pretty lousy viewing. All the good commentators work for ESPN-Star. So the only prospective commentators they will get to choose from will be some Ranji players who can't really communicate. Or they might rope in Johnny Lever (if Shekhar Suman is on the cricket scene, then why not him?). Worse comes to worse, they might have one of their female soap stars as eye candy. Or perhaps an MTV VJ, who doesn't know how to spell cricket, but can hook the guys. You never know.


My fingers are crossed.

"You're Fired!"

This is what the ITC head honchos must have told their lawyers after their short-lived, yet much-needed elation (Rs. 803 crore is not exactly a paltry amount).


And if they didn't fire their lawyer, it's time they did. Who wants a lawyer who saves you from paying Rs. 803 crore, only to be told half an hour later that maybe you may have to pay it after all?


Now they should start circulating "dumb" lawyer jokes. An editorial could soon have its headline as: "Lawyers- The New Blondes?"

Too Busy

I'm trying to log in to Hotmail. And this is the page I'm being taken to.

It's perhaps one of the most dull, non-creative and irritating "busy" messages ever written. But then Microsoft is famous for these. How about a trademark or patent on such exciting messages?

Internet for Propaganda

First there was this mail doing the rounds that said humans had never gone to the moon. Then came an email which informed that using shampoos which contained a certain kind of chemical could cause cancer.

And after many more, there's another one doing the round since a few months which claims that Rabindranath Tagore was an unpatriotic Indian, and Jana gana mana had been written for the King.

All I can say is- how can anyone even think of such a thing about Tagore? And for those who believed it- how could you believe it without checking?

Sporting Spirit?

Wow, India's performance at the Olympics was amazing. They were so sporting, they let everyone else win. Great people. And they're so sweet, in spite of doping, they still refused to win!

They will do a big favour to the Indians (by not raising their expectations) by not going to Beijing in 2008.

Sure, they need money, sponsorship et al to develop their talent. But that is not everything. Heard of the night school students who studied under street lights at night? And scored well in their exams?

The World's Youngest Metrosexual

My naughty two-year-old nephew is probably one of the youngest metrosexuals I've come across. (What the heck, I think he's the only metrosexual I know).


He advises his mother on what to wear. If his father's shoes and his mother's sandals are placed adjacent to each other, he'll put on his mother's sandals. He likes to play with his mother's bangles and earrings.


Once he pointed to my green t-shirt and said, "Don't wear this. Wear pink." And when you ask him his favourite colour, he gets excited and says, "Pink."

SPCM

A Society for Prevention of Cruelty towards Males? Give me a break. Sure, "innocent" men are being targetted by women. But exactly how many men are being targetted? Aplenty, feels the writer Nandita Puri. How many exactly? Hardly 1% of the men in India? Not even 1%. The writer knows about these women-slamming-fake-charges-on-men incidents because they get reported and are whispered about everywhere; because they are unusual cases. Or even bizarre.


Why not an SPCF? Does a man get harassed when he's travelling by suburban train late at night? How many men get (Adam)-teased? Crimes against women have always been there, and are now a quotidian activity. That's why the atrocities are not reported that much anymore. If a newspaper were to report all the cases of eve-teasing occuring in one day, in one issue, there wouldn't be space for any other news.


Just because women have an active voice in society... OK, I need to stop. Or I can go on and on like a bullet train.

Who do you trust?

My cousin is an ardent Shiv Khera fan. Today, she read an article in Outlook which said that Khera had lifted several paragraphs from another book. Whether it's true or not, her faith in his work is shattered.

Sounds silly, but she worshipped him. She said his books changed her views on life.

I didn't understand her disappointment till I realised it was like me realising that Jane Austen didn't write Pride and Prejudice.

Even if it's a matter of a few paragraphs. For all you know, even other parts of the book could have plagiarised.

You can't trust Bush, you can't trust Khera, you can't trust the media, you can't trust your auditor, so who can you trust?

Box of Chocolates?

I expect to have a good day, and have a horrible one. I expect a bad day, and it turns out to be fantastic one.

This works out fine for me, till I realise that I don't know what will come up next for me... frightens me a bit.

But hey, some surprises are good. But how long will they last?

Uncertainty

I thought I had forgotten what it feels like to be doubtful of your work. And now the feeling's come back.

And none of those stupid self-improvement books help. Why do people still buy them?

Wheel of Fortune

Gmailers of the world, rejoice! For the non-Gmailers (who don't get 1000 MB) are jealous. I got the ID I wanted (for once!).

In other news, there were ups and downs. A close grandparent passed away... on the upside, he was suffering too much. And not for the first time, I wished euthansia was legal. Three months in a isolated room, without being able to talk, staring at the ceiling, not knowing what will come the next moment, looking at Death face-to-face... it wasn't easy for him.

Everyone cried. Including the ones we call strong.

But life is going on. I'm writing like he wanted me to.

Wow!

Wow, did that really happen? I mean my name appearing on a page of The Times of India? OK, OK, I must admit, a supplement, not the main paper. But not bad, huh?


A bit too late to say (it appeared on Apr 22), but hey, it felt just awesome!


And the JAM bylines were great uppers too! :-)

Inventions we Really Need

• Shirt with built-in deo: You wear a nice shirt in the morning. By afternoon, you are stinking like a fish. You feel embarassed about yourself. And you have an early evening date. No time to go home and change. Then what do you do? Well, this shirt will help!



• 100% Waterproof Paper: This paper can be used for books, and the books, in turn, will be a hit with bookworms who read everywhere- snuggled up in bed, on the treadmill, at the bus-stop, and, if they had their way... in the shower, or while it is raining (yes, there are people like that).



• Voice-activated TV Remote: The TV remote was designed to make peoples' lives easier. They didn't need to walk over to the TV and change the channel, or increase the volume. Now with this remote, people won't even need to reach out for the remote. They just say "Channel 5" or "Star Plus" and the channel changes.

Pollscape

Two ladies with coloured hair and huge hips stood before me in the queue at the polling booth. The officer asked for the healthier lady's ID. She said she hadn't carried one.

"College ID?" he asked.

"I'm not in college anymore," she replied.

I'm sure she was flattered.

Escape

Do people write/paint/make a film/create a piece of art to escape or to go back to their problems?

Eavesdropping

OK, OK, I know it's wrong to eavesdrop, but sometinmes you just can't avoid it. Some people talk loudly and clearly, as if they are inviting you to hear them talk.

A couple of weeks back, I was walking in the park, minding my own business, when three women began walking a few feet behind me. The next minute they were complaining about their respective moms-in-law (what's new?). The conversation's rhythm changed from the usual mundane ("my mother-in-law is too interfering") to the shockingly hilarious ("we lived in the same house without talking to each other for 10 days in a row").

But hey, I'm not complaining, because I had a great time. It was like watching a saas-bahu sitcom without the visuals. I had a good laugh later on.

Did I tell you about the time a saas was complaining about her bahu in chaste Punjabi, and I followed every word? (She didn't realise that some people in Mumbai do know good Punjabi!)

Watch what you say. I may be lurking nearby. ;-)

Moments

This, too, shall pass. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but it will.

Or won't it?

Volte Face
It's wrong to speak out your mind, even if that someone is very close to you. As teens like me always say, No one understands me.

Phases

Suddenly there is some hectic work to be done, due to which I can't breathe easy for even an hour, and then suddenly there is a lull in deadlines and other things, and I do nothing but relax.

This kind of reminds me of the play Waiting for Godot, in which there were suddenly periods of sudden activity, and then moments of random existentialist thoughts.

Disappointment

Damn! I wish it had happened. Maybe it still can... or as we Indians say, Jo hua ache ke liye hua.

Uses

What's the point in having a collection of books if you can't read?

Is waiting for something really worth it? Something you really really want?

Slaves

We are slaves of technology today. I'm so used to using Powerpoint for a presentation, that when I have to use (paper) charts, I'm lost! The line you draw to cut out the right size of paper has to be perfectly straight, your hand steady. One shake, and you need to do it all over again.

We need to do something about this! (Sigh!)

Oops!

Still haven't finished LOTR! My reading is being sidelined by other pressing activities. :-( Need to re-think how I spend every minute!

Break
Isn't a one-day holiday in a week too less? At least two days, and not necessarily together! And what's the best way to relax on holiday?